Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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