3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize