thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
