I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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