the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
