ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
