Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
