I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
