When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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