If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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