You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
