He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
