sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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