The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
