Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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