the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
