I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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