someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
