If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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