Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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