I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
