I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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