And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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