He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
