I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
