Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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