Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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