I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize