Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize