Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
