Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
