Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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