I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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