Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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