I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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