I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The ass gains better be worth it
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