she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
