I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
