You can't special order awesome
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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