what day is it and did you see me today?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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