a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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