I can text with my tongue
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
