My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
