the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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