We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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