I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
how drunk are you?
Several
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
