Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
jump out the window naked night went bad
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
