There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
