Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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