I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
