Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
