I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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