You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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