They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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