You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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