Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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