Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
