I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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