...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Floor bacon is actually really good
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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