His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize