Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
