And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
